Physical attributes had been easy.  Hair – blonde.  Eyes – blue.  Height and weight all completed honestly.  No piercings or tattoos, at least not yet.  He hesitated for a few seconds over body type before deciding on athletic.  Interests and activities were also easy:  movies, music and books.  Things became more difficult after that because he rarely considered the succeeding topics. 

Children?  Sure, someday, he thought, but did he know that for sure?  He finally decided to mark undecided.  The appropriate answers for religion and politics also seemed to elude him.  He finally answered yes to both.  Yes, he was religious; yes, he had political leanings… but he really needed more than fifty characters to explain his views on either of those issues.  Pets gave him pause as well.  Sighing, he checked the clock in the lower right of the computer screen.  It had taken him three days to get to this point on the questionnaire, and according to the ticker on the website his profile was only at the 75% completion point.  He needed to finish and the worst was yet to be written.  He had to compose an introduction paragraph to describe what he wanted from the online dating service.  He had some idea of what he might say there.

Erudite gentleman aspires to establish rapport with discerning damsel in the vicinity of Westchester County....

He’d have to finish tomorrow.  There was no way he’d be done before midnight, and tomorrow was a working day.  He marked “save” and bookmarked his profile before moving on to the routine computer tasks he completed every night:  a round of his favorite online word game, check email, read the breaking news and hit the sack.  It was a rut he was anxious to change, but first he had to finish the stupid dating profile.

It took a week of writing, honing, editing and reviewing before he finally clicked “submit” several days later.  He deliberately waited until late in the evening, knowing he could sleep while the potential universe of single women reviewed his profile.  But he’d finished.  It was official.  He was now part of the world of online dating.  Let the games begin, he thought as he once again finished his nightly routine.

“You did what?”

“She did what?”

“Dude, for real?”

His three closest friends each echoed their own reactions to his confession of how the date from hell had come to be.  He’d expected their reactions, but for some reason he had a strange feeling they were blaming him for the fiasco.

Taking a deep breath, he held up his hand to stop the questions.  “Slow down, one at a time.  First,” he paused and pointed a finger at Brian.  “Yes, I did it.  I signed up at the Match and Mingle dating site.  It seemed to have the best questions, a solid reputation and the price was right.  Besides let’s face it, I wasn’t going to meet anyone at work or in the community.  We already know everyone.”

Brian started to ask another question but was preempted by a stony stare from his brother.  He nodded and Mart continued.  “Second—” This time he addressed Jim.  “It would seem to me that the website would ask about that, too.  But from what I can recall, I didn’t answer any questions about it so she probably didn’t either.”

Just like Brian, Jim acted as if he wanted to ask more questions, but he pursed his lips and gave a curt nod.

Mart turned to Dan and said.  “Yes, for real.  Now what else do you want to know?”

“Sorry, dude, but you’re going to have to tell the entire story again,” Dan admitted.  “I should’ve been paying more attention, but let’s face it—when you start in with telling us about your blind date and you use words like erudite and discerning you have to expect we’re going to tune you out.  Not to mention the Yankees hit that home run right in the middle of it—we were naturally distracted.”

Mart sighed.  Despite his degree in agriculture and his job working in that field, he’d never lost his love for words.  He normally received at least three different word-of-the-day calendars each year for Christmas, and unless one was a duplicate they were never returned.  He’d been called everything from a lexiconophilist to a logophile, and freely confessed to both.  He couldn’t help himself, he loved everything about words.

“The first part is easy.  I signed up at an internet dating site because I’m sick and tired of being alone.  Is that really so hard to understand?”

His three friends exchanged looks.  This wasn’t the time to watch the ball game.  Besides, the Yankees had pretty much put it away.  Jim picked up the remote and turned off the television.

“Start over,” Brian said.

“From the date, dude. We don’t need the part about it taking a week to sign up for online dating,” Dan interjected.

Jim nodded in agreement.

“It started when I found this match...”

“I know this has to be how women feel!  As hard as it is to believe, I’d changed my shirt three times.  Yes, dammit, count ‘em... one, two, three times and I still didn’t like the way I looked.  Blue, my shirt needed to be blue, and the one shirt, my go-to blue shirt, was dirty.  Not my fault, I’d planned to wear it, but apparently the pie that Moms made for me had a different idea.  What is it with me and pie?  I’m a damn pie magnet or something, the stuff just jumps on me.”  He scrubbed at his short blond crew cut with both hands.  “Anyway, I had to go with plan B, the problem was I didn’t have a plan B.  So, here I was three shirts later and nothing felt right.  Despite the fact that the temperatures were probably hovering close to ninety degrees, I ended up changing one more time.  When in doubt, go with black.  I refused to look this time, because the only thing worse than looking like crap would be arriving late.”  He sighed and continued his tale. 

“The drive to Peekskill only takes fifteen minutes, but of course that’s only when there isn’t an unexpected phenomenon occurring in the middle of the roadway.  It’s a ten minute drive to Croton and only a few more past that, but of course that’s when there isn’t a team of mules blocking the road.  Yes, you heard me correctly -- a team of mules.  I hate mules.  But did I see it as a sign?  Oh, hell no! 

“Still, I managed to make it to the coffee shop in Peekskill with a few minutes to spare.   The timing turned out to be excellent, since Anne walked in only a couple of minutes after I did.  She recognized me immediately, and we made our introductions and proceeded to the counter.  You’d think that would have been my first inkling something was wrong.  You know how I am, when it comes to food and beverage, Mart Belden knows what he likes.  However, being the erudite gentleman that I am, I motioned for my lovely date to order first.”  Mart stood up and began to pace as he kept talking. 

“I’m not really sure what I want,” she wavered, looking at the menu. 

“If you prefer a really excellent brewed coffee, Rwanda Coopac is fantastic.”

“Nooo,” she answered slowly with a slight shake of her head.  “Not that much into brewed coffee.”

“Ah, so I take it you’re a cappuccino fan?”

“Not so much.”

“Lattes, then?”

“Never had one, that milk doesn’t really sound very appetizing.”  She gave a slight shudder.

“The favored iced drinks?”

“Actually, I’m not much of a fan of anything coffee related.”

“Then why...” I stopped myself just in time. 

“They have some magnificent teas.” She had to be a tea drinker.  After all, why would anyone who didn’t like coffee or tea suggest meeting a first date in a coffee shop?  “A few of my friends are big fans of the chai tea lattes, they even serve an iced version.”

“Really, all I ever drink is soda.” She gave me a small smile.  “Or beer.  I expected they would have some Pepsi or Coke for sale if they didn’t serve beer.”

“Alas my fair maiden.  There are some juices available or perhaps a bottle of water, but you won’t find any soft drinks at either of the Peekskill coffee shops.  Would you prefer we go somewhere else?”

“No, water is fine.” 

“It was easy then.  I grabbed a bottle of the expensive water and quickly rattled off my own order for some Guatemalan blend with steamed milk and a chocolate almond croissant.  It only took a few moments for my order to be prepared and I snagged a table in front of the window.  My idea was that if conversation lagged, which I did not expect, then the people passing by might provide us with appropriate fodder for our tête-à-tête.

“The conversation started well.  We discussed the online dating process and it turns out that she was quite the veteran.  She explained how each of the different sites works.  Then, she paused for a few moments while it seemed she was studying me.  Next, she asked a question that I was not expecting.”

“Have you ever found yourself facing imprisonment in a penal institution?”

“No, no... of course not.  Have you?”

“I was joking of course, and asked the question with a laugh.  You can imagine my chagrin when she gave a small nod.

“Are you serious?” 

“I had to ask that; I mean, didn’t the online profile mention prison records?  I was racking my brain.”

“Yes.  This is my first date since I was released.”

“What was the reason for your unfortunate incarceration?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yes, of course.  As you wish.”

“So there I sat.  Me.  Martin Andrew Belden at a loss for words.  Not even the dog walker passing with five corgis inspired me to make conversation.  Racking my brain, somehow I thought of a simple question.”  Mart plopped down onto the sofa and buried his face in his hands for a moment before continuing.

“Is Anne your name or a nickname?”

“It’s a nickname,” she answered.  “It’s short for –”

“Wait!  I held up a hand and smiled.  “It’s short for Annabel, right?”

“No, why would you think that?  It’s short for Anastasia.”

“She said that I like I was being deliberately obtuse.  I took a deep breath then and pointed at my chest.”

“Martin, but I guess that was obvious.”

“Were you born in Wal-Mart?” 

“I couldn’t stop myself.  I choked on my coffee.  It took a few moments for me to recover before I could reply.” 

“No, a hospital.”

“Oh, I just thought most guys named Mart were born in Wal-Mart or maybe they were conceived there.  It just seems like that’s the thing these days.”

“The thing?  Am I really THAT out of touch with America?  Sure, Sleepyside is an anachronism and we all joke about the throwback to Mayberry, but I sure haven’t read any stories about trying to conceive a child in the local discount mart.  Of course, did I cut my losses?  No, maybe it was the name Anastasia, but I was intrigued.  I had to know more about this woman.”  He took a swig of the beer Dan handed him and plunged ahead.

“After another few moments of silence I noticed she seemed to be staring at the label on her four dollar bottle of water.   It’s not that I begrudged her the four dollars, it was just that she looked at it long enough that I thought it best to ask.”

“Is your water okay?”

“Yes, it tastes fine.  It’s just this is the first bottled water I’ve had since my release from the correctional institute.”

There is was.  The penitentiary again.

“Oh, yeah.  What were you imprisoned for again?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she answered.

“That’s when I suggested we walk a few blocks to the park.  It wasn’t the riverfront, which likely would’ve been cooler on a Sunday afternoon in the summer, but at least it would be green.

“She thought the park sounded wonderful.

“We made our way north through the thriving downtown and she admitted that it felt good to walk and move around.”

“It feels good to get some exercise and walk around.  I put on some weight during my compulsory confinement,” she commented as the park came into out sight.

“Really?  How long was your detention?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it.

“Of course she didn’t.  That was why she brought it up, right?  You think that might have been it for me, but no, I wanted this to succeed.  I wanted to meet someone.  Weekends with you guys are great and all, even with your wives and girlfriends and such, but dang it, I wanted someone to bring to the next Bobwhite gathering.  So I resolved not to mention her obligatory captivity again.”  He took another healthy swig and his listeners did the same.

“Once we entered the park, there were some teams playing softball and she suggested we go and watch.  I remembered her commenting on my love for the Yankees and baseball so I thought that sports would be a safe topic.” 

“Are you a Yankees fan?”

“No,” she replied.  “It’s more like my favorite team is whoever is playing the Yankees.”

“I know, I know.  If THAT didn’t clue me in, what was it going to take?  So I decided to shift to the conversation slightly. 

“Do you play softball?”

“I did,” she answered with a wistful smile.  “I lost my place on my team when I was sentenced to the stockade.  I haven’t played since then.”

“This time, I didn’t bite.  I just nodded and made a casual comment about how she must miss it.” 

“How was your week?  Any big work projects?”

“No, just still catching up on things.  I was really lucky to have my job still waiting for me after I was released from the house of correction.”

“Indeed!  All I can say now, is that for someone who didn’t want to talk about being incarcerated, she sure managed to talk a lot about being in prison.”  He tossed his empty bottle toward the trash receptacle at the opposite corner of the living room.  As it rattled into the can with a satisfying clunk, the guys applauded.

“So Mart, how did you get rid of her?” Dan asked with a smirk.

“That was enough.  I shook her hand, bid her a fond adieu and as soon as I was out of her sight, I ran for my car.  Fortunately, I’d never mentioned Sleepyside nor my last name.”

Mart looked from one of his friends to the other around the room.  It was a lock that he had their full attention and wouldn’t have to repeat any part of his story.

“What I don’t understand is why didn’t you ask out that new teacher I hired, Brandy?” Jim asked.  “She’s really nice, not to mention single.”

“Because I’m not dating anyone that I work with,” he replied shortly.  “It’s my own personal code.  Forget it and move on.  Not to mention, she may teach kindergarten but she has the name of a stripper.”

“Like Anastasia isn’t a stripper name?” Dan pointed out.  To their credit, Brian and Jim managed to hide their snickers by pretending to clear their throats.  “What attracted you to her online profile anyway?  I take it she didn’t mention her time in the pen?”

“This lady looked perfect, at least she did online.  First, her name was Anne—“

“Wait, does that mean you think that after your date she changed it to something else?”

“As far as I know she is still using the name Anne, spelled with an e on the end.   Anne is a meaningful name to me because that was Shakespeare’s wife’s name.”  He shrugged.  “It seemed like a sign.”

It was almost as if his three friends synchronized their eye-rolling.  Dan stood up and crossed to get more beers for all of them.  Somehow they all needed some alcoholic fortification after that story.

Jim took a sip and continued the questioning.  “Did she pick the coffee shop in Peekskill?” 

“Yes, I’d been there before, they have great coffee and excellent desserts.  Not that I’ll be going back.”

“What’s wrong with the coffee shop downtown?” Jim wanted to know. 

The others hid knowing smirks.  Jim was big on promoting local business.  Even if things cost more at Lytell’s store, or anywhere else in Sleepyside, he made sure he patronized the local businesses before ever leaving town to shop.   If any of them dared to trek over to the mega super store in White Plains, they never mentioned it in front of Jim.  Any money saved just wasn’t worth the lecture on stimulating the local economy.

“Nothing is wrong with Quimbaya's,” Mart retorted.  The kitschy coffee shop downtown was a favorite hangout for all of them.  The homemade empanadas, along with coffee, tea and other beverages had won Mart’s business from the beginning.  “But the lady doesn’t live in Sleepyside. And since the afternoon was a disaster, that’s something we should all be thankful for.”

“Okay, sounds reasonable.  She likes coffee shops,” Dan leaned back.  “What better place to meet up for a first date?” he reasoned. 

“It was a great place.  Except she doesn’t like coffee.  Or tea.  Or anything they sold to drink at that fine establishment.” 

“At least water was a healthy choice.”  Jim was still trying to find something good.

Mart slapped his forehead.  “I can’t believe I forgot that part!  Yes, water was fine, a very healthy choice.  That is, until she poured a miniature of vodka from her purse into the bottle after she’d swallowed a few sips.” He shuddered, recalling his embarrassment when she’d mentioned beer in the coffee shop.  “It was right before she asked me about being having a record, the first time.”

Brian frowned.  “Gotta admit, bro.  That’s pretty crass.  I’m surprised you didn’t end the date there.”

“Thought about it,” he admitted.  “But after a few sips of her homemade alcoholic beverage she thanked me for driving to meet her.  What she actually said was ‘Marty, it was certainly magnanimous of you to take on an extensive excursion to meet me here.’”

“Wait a minute,” Dan leaned forward.  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Mart looked confused.  “What do you mean?”

“This girl...” Brian waved a hand.  “She seduced you into staying by using big words!”

Mart reddened.  “No, she did not!”

“Yeah, she did,” Jim leaned back and grinned.  “Prison,” he touched them off on his fingers.  “Incarceration, correctional institution.  Just think, never once did she call it what it was.  Your date was in jail.  Jail – four simple letters, Mart, and neither one of you would use the word!”

Dan laughed.  “This girl is so you!”

“What the hell do you mean?”  Mart’s face was crimson.  “I’ve never had the privilege of an unfortunate incarceration!”

“No, you haven’t,” Jim agreed, grinning from ear to ear.  “You haven’t been in jail either.  He’s saying she talks just like you.  That’s why the website matched the two of you up.  Hell, I’ll bet her profile was full of long loquacious words.”

“Yeah, it was,” he admitted ruefully, his color returning to near-normal.  “But there sure as hell wasn’t any mention of a compulsory confinement in a house of corrections, I can assure you of that.”

“And she never once gave you any idea why she went to jail?” Dan wondered.

“Not a clue,” Mart avowed.

“It’s obvious,” Brian shrugged.  “Anastasia is a hooker.  That’s why they held her job open for it.  It goes with the territory.  Her online profile is just a way to meet johns.”

Dan looked at Brian with a newfound respect.  “Dude, that’s something I’d have said.”

Brian grinned in reply.

“It’s pretty simple, don’t you think?”  Jim asked.  “Why don’t you ask Trixie to investigate her?  Find out who she really is and where she works.”

“Jim, my friend, you can take this much to the bank.  Asking Trixie to investigate is the last thing I’ll ever do.”

“But why? Don’t you want to know?  I’ve got to admit, I’m curious myself.”

“Actually, as far as I’m concerned.  I’d rather not know.”

“You don’t know what you don’t know,” Brian added.  “Probably a good decision.”

“Are you going to continue with online dating?” Dan asked.

Mart shook his head.  “Not a chance in hell.  I’ve already deleted my profile.  The good news is, I was still in the free window.  It didn’t cost me a cent.”

“Naah, just your common sense,” Brian threw a pillow at him.  “Try asking Brandy.”

One month later...

It had been a long week.  More than once he found his job tedious and unrewarding, but he knew enough at this point that weeks like this came with the territory.  That didn’t mean by the time the weekend rolled around he was ready to embrace it with more than the usual amount of eagerness.  First was a visit to the local coffee emporium to satisfy his craving for café con leche.  Everyone knew that Quimbaya’s made the best version of this Spanish white coffee.

There was a line, but even though it was Saturday, he started the weekend like any other day.  He never saw the need to sleep in.  He turned and rolled his eyes when he heard the complicated coffee orders ahead of him.

Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip.

Grande Chai Tea Latte, 3 Pump, Skim Milk, Lite Water, No Foam, Extra Hot.

Okay, light ice.  That he understood, but what in the hell was lite water.  Water was already calorie free, how did you make it light?  Rather than allow himself to be annoyed, he tuned out the people ordering, reminding himself that at least they were ordering coffee beverages and not spiking their water with vodka. 

He finally heard his order called:  café con leche.

He reached for the cup and his fingers touched those of a young woman reaching for it at the same time.  In an instant he knew, the tingle in his fingers shot down his spine and his eyes met the dark brown pair, which crinkled in an apologetic smile.

“My bad... that’s my order as well,” she said.  “You go ahead.”

“No, no.”  He shook his head as he reluctantly withdrew his hand, already missing her touch.  “Ladies first.  I insist.”

“Thanks,” she replied picking up the cup.  “I appreciate it.  I don’t feel like myself on Saturday morning until I’ve had my coffee.”

“I know what you mean,” he started to continue, but the barista called his order.  He twisted to pick it up and turned back to his new acquaintance.  “By the way, I haven’t seen you around here before.  My name’s Mart, short for Martin.”

“Nice to meet you, Mart.”  She extended her hand.  “Mary. Short for Mary.”

He waved her toward an empty table.  It was in the thick of things and afforded little to no privacy, but at this point he didn’t care.  They settled and both took a few sips of coffee.

She smiled again and asked him, “Do you come here often?”

Mart nodded.  “Yes, and you should come sometime and try the empanadas, they’re the best I’ve ever had.  But there’s a question I have to get out of the way.  Do you mind?”

“Go ahead, if I don’t want to I won’t answer.”

“Have you ever been to jail?”

“Jail?” she sputtered.  “No, at least not yet.  Why?  Do you need some help burying a body?  Oh, wait!  I’ll bet you’re looking for a partner to rob the local bank!”

Mart smiled.  “No, I’m just looking for a partner to enjoy coffee, empanadas, the movies, books, music, parties, you know the usual stuff.”

She leaned back and studied him with an appreciative smile.  “That’s good, then.  So am I.”